02 October 2006

Look What I Found...

My computer was a bit sluggish so I decided to clear out some old files and stuff I downloaded but never got around to doing anything with. Sounds like my cupboards and drawers!

Anyway I came across a few jokes I had saved because they tickled my sense of humour. Apparently though, these are from real life situations and are hilarious. Work in the health system, I can really appreciate these and will take a copy to work tomorrow, just for the doctors, of course...

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
In the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart,"

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
“Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered...."Why, not for about twenty years--when my husband was alive."

One for Tammy...

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."

And finally, the best one...

A nurse was on duty in the ER, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."


Ky Boo Gal said...

blechhhh on the KY jelly...ROFLMBO!!!
these were all cute!!
PS...now see what you can find when you tidy up???

PEA said...

ROFL oh my gosh, now those ARE funny!! lol I actually have tears rolling down my face from laughing so much! Yup, that last one is my favourite too! hehe I'm so glad you found those...makes it even funnier that they are things that have ACTUALLY happened! lol Hugs xoxo

slap me happy said...

we once had a patient at the surger that had come in with constipation and to get his ears cleaned well the doc gave him a pessary and flushed his ears out but the were really heavily dirty and asked him to come back in two day well when he came back on the wednesday he had the bloody pessary in his ear and was complaining to me rather lo9udly that he was still constipated well the doc Catherine and I were laughing so hard I nearly wet myself. He even still had the bloody tinm foil on the pessary lol. Still makes me giggle at him.

slap me happy said...

not typing very well today lol

Gattina said...

A good laugh in the morning (here it's 7 am) is good for the health !
Thank you !
I especially liked the green grass.

Remiman said...

Thanks for starting my day off with a light heart. With those quips I'm ROFLMBO.

I'm going to have to clean my den out one of these days. My chidren will be miffed if I die and they have to deal with the years of accumulated bric-a-brac etc.

Have a great day!

Nicole said...

Absolutely bloody hilarious!

You rock!

Lots of love xox Nic

Lee said...

Ahhhhh...it's always good to start the day off with a smile or two or three or four...! :) Thanks for the smiles, Robyn!

Meow said...

Hahahahaha ... they are sooooo funny. Thanks for sharing. Love the last one the best.
Have a great week.
Give Oscar a hug for me, please.
Take care, Meow

Nicole said...

No disrespect to blondes (well not much anyway lol).

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy
Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy
And that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot
And co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
Because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an
Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original
The blonde replies, Im blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use
And that he probably should have the police waiting when they land
Arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?'
'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,
"Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her
Seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him
What he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied,
"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

xox Nic